Healing

Julius Caesar was not the only one in history

to “et te bruté”

Spitting bars of pain

Giving up on what’s left of love, bond, and friendship

When the person at the other end of the knife thrust into your heart

Was supposed to be your person

***

I did too

I could have sworn you would take a bullet for me

Cos I would have for you, dang! I did take a bullet for you

You were my sister, a bond so thick

That it solidified to family

With you, I was unguarded

You read me through like an open book

Had conversations that I was afraid to have with anyone but you

You were my safe space

***

Or so I thought

***

With you, I thought I could be anything

Soar as far as I can

Be whatever and whoever I need to be

Without second-guessing your loyalty

You were supposed to be my cheerleader

That one person that makes the loudest noise in the room

Telling everyone that cares to listen, “That’s my girl right there”

I mean, I was the president of your fan club

Stood by you at every valley, crossroad, and pinnacle

***

But I guess you couldn’t breathe at the altitude that I had risen to

My spirit started irritating your demons, but I had no clue

What is it that we haven’t talked about or couldn’t talk about

I guess, like Cain, you couldn’t master the devil at the door

So you let him in

You, who was supposed to have my back

In rooms that had my name on blacklist

Created the room

You became the weapon fashioned against me

And what’s worse, I didn’t see it coming

You were still my angel of light

Until you struck

***

Ripping my heart apart

This pain is going to kill me

Sis, did you really not think of me

When you used the access you have of me to run me over?

Of all the pains life would throw at me

I didn’t think betrayal was going to be one of them

At least not from you

If anything, you were going to hold my hand through it

But now it’s you, it’s you

***

The shock of what you’ve done

That you could even conceive that beats me

You’ve destroyed everything

My trust, my love, my belief, everything

I’m weary of people and their intentions

My walls are so high, I feel like a prisoner

I walk through life with colored lens

I almost became the monster you created

***

But that’s all in the past, A painful past

which scars my heart would always remember

***

You see, Caesar couldn’t make it, but I did

The strike was deep, but not deep enough to take me out

I did the heartwrenching dance of healing with the Lord

I owed myself that much

***

Before you came into my life, I was

So I took accountability of how I helped you fashion your dagger

How I enabled your jealousy, fed your insecurities, oh my, I forgive you

Cause now I realise no one would hurt another from a place of love

You were broken, and for a time longer than a minute, I was too.

***

But praying, therapy, vacation, reading, loving, meditating, unlearning, relearning, and keep them all on repeat

Has brought me to the feet of the Prince of Peace

Wholeness is the target

But now I know better, I see better

Stewarding my friendships differently

The pain handed me a better pair of lenses

***

Now I pray for you, I hope you find the help you need cause I have, and I choose to forgive and heal.

I know hurt people hurt people

But I have refused to replicate your image, and you should too.

***

Writer: Rita Odoh
(Spoken Word Artist)
[insta: @riri.word]

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